i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
