How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize