We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
