I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
