Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So squirting runs in the family.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
