your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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