In the future we'll all be gay
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
