the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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