My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
