Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Are my feet made of real feet?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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