So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
