i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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