If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
