just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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