If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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