I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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