last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's rum buckets o'clock
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
