The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
