Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
