im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
