You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
