I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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