I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
