Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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