i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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