So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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