I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
