yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sorry about my life...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
