I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
