he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
dude i'm inner monologue high
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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