I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
