Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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