So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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