my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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