I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
