so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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