dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I wish they made helmets for livers.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
