My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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