my phone needs a breathalizer
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
