i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
