just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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