sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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