I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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