there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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