At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
