you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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