My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
