He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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