the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
