dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
