Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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