Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
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