You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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