Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
