I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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