There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
