I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You're like the curious george of whores
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
