She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
