Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
