And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
im on a boat
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