Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
