the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
