i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
