he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
