Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
