My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize