I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
